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Introduction…

Hi, I’ve decided to write. Write about whatever the heck it is I’m feeling. I feel a lot. My mind struggles to turn off and now since its the new year I’m going to do something about it. I’m sick of always being swallowed and consumed by my feelings. Writing for me is like a release, it lifts a massive weight off my shoulders. Now before we dive right in I have a few disclaimers: I am no John Green, I do not have a way with words, but I have a lot of things to say. When I was going through my darkest moments I just wanted someone to feel the same way as me, so I didn’t feel so alone. It wasn’t until I found some incredible youtube channels and blogs was when I started to feel less isolated, not so ashamed. My blog is to do two things. A) to help me, to get it all out there instead of hiding it inside and B) to hopefully help some of you. If this even inspires one person my job is complete. Mental health needs to be talked about, it’s not something to be ashamed about and if I can do my part to fix it then I will do anything I can.

Thank you for joining this ride with me. I’m not sure how it’s going to go because once again my writing sucks, but if you can put up with bad grammar and my anxious thoughts then, nice to meet you!

Here again…

Why does it all of a sudden get to much? I can feel myself spiralling again. Down further and further, the light quickly fading away. How do I get out of this feeling? There’s no reason for me to feel this way. Why cant I be enough? Why does my brain say I am not enough for myself? Is it something I did to be felt these cards? Im trying to fight it, the moments where it gets too dark. But its impossible to fight it when you don’t want to. When getting dressed and taking a shower seems to hard. I’m watching my world slip by, another day goes of accomplishing so little. This is my youth a time to be really alive but all I want to do is start again. Its frustrating, “get up, get up, its not that hard.” But I feel like the weight of the world is pinning me down. Why cant I escape this?

To the people who believe that those who talk about their mental illness are doing it for attention…

To all the people who believe that those who have the courage to talk about their mental illness are just faking it and are doing it for attention…
You are the worst type of person. Just by you saying this or posting memes about it on your own Facebook timeline is what creates the stigma! Countless numbers of people are or have been too scared to speak up and ask for help in fear of being judged. I struggled in silence for 5 years because I was so afraid that people would think that I was just being dramatic and wanted the spotlight. Having a mental illness is not trendy. It has never been trendy, but yes more and more people in today’s world are being diagnosed with mental illnesses. So, maybe instead of criticising brave people who are speaking up, you should take a look at the world around us and contemplate why the statistics are rising so dramatically?

Side note to those struggling in silence: When I finally told someone, the ones who really cared helped me and are still helping me get through it. The ones who judge do not deserve to be in your life. So many people are here to support you through this and you can get through this but the first step to take is to admit that you are not okay, and that is more than okay.

Back here again

it’s the worst when I’m lonely. Sitting in my dark room, computer screen blaring, sad music softly whispering in the background while I watch snapchats of my screaming friends having another night of fun, joy and excitement. Why do I not feel these things anymore? Why are the only feelings I feel is either sadness or just plain empty. I’m frustrated at myself because I’m losing the people who I love most. I’m no longer the cool fun friend but now the girl who always overthinks, who always seem dull, who’s mind is in another world. How do I escape this feeling I’m trapped at the bottom of a cold dark pit and I’ve been trying to claw my way up. Sometimes I feel like I can see the light but then i slip, falling further and further than ever before.

What did I do to feel this way. Is this some kind of cruel karma? I’m done. I’ve fought it, I’ve let it consume me whole nothing works.